ugh....
went to a restaurant where you can practically feel the desperation..
of the staff to get every little cent out of you..
anyway..
I've got all the way to 7th April to do something about my life..
maybe I'll do busking with Yong Xin..
dota until I die..
or try to earn money some other way...
maybe pick up shooting again...
or try getting some of my crap published..
Change Your Mind
Hey, Hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today
Oh no-
If you never want to have
To turn and go away
You might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in:
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...
Hey hey-
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no- take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow
Hey hey-
what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway
nice song...
to continue living..
is one pain in the ass...
you seem to be nowhere...
even though you think you're not lost at all
you still end up nowhere..
and I have screamed...
screamed the God above
for why am I so..
why am I what I am..
who am I?
Why am I capable of such disgusting things..
why am I such..
why am I so distant..
Why can't I enjoy life as it is..
why my hair is turning white..
and why I can't seem to find an answer why..
why is it...I'm alone.
Why is it that I sit here..typing this..
hoping someone can hear me scream..
someone can hear me cry out..
but I'll never fully enjoy your company.
so I pull away.
I feel so pretensious yet cannot break free from it..
I am so clear..
yet so confused..
I pray to God..
about the things I can't accept..
and yet I pray for someone who can accept them..
yet I am unwilling to accept them myself..
I ask for insight yet turn a blind eye...
I ask for transcendence..
yet seek it as a form of superiority..
I tell myself...I'm doing the right thing..
yet doubt suffocates me..
and I still go on.
and its all swirling into an endless pit of despair...
which I have been wallowing..
I will keep screaming..
screaming my great beautiful bloody lungs out..
screaming for an answer..
screaming for my reason to live..
screaming to exist..
I feel.
feel the very keyboard I type on.
yet..
yet..I can't feel...
can't feel as much for another.
I am so insecure..
and I have walled myself in so shut..
I've lost the key..
I ask questions..
and end up with more questions..
I wonder....
about my place..
but put down those I deem below me.
and envy those I see above me..
I wish to do great things..
great thing for others..
yet cannot even get past myself..
I won't let go..
I can't let go..
I can't...because..I don't know how to..
I can crawl kick punch..
punch at who?..
who but myself..
myself who so desires so much the material world...
so much that my judgement is flawed..
endless labyrinths..
layers upon layers of desire..
desire...
yes..we all have it..
sick...ones..
good ones..
evil ones..
and they swirl..
twist, collide..
and I can't..
I just can't find the right one to follow..
every cell in my body screams...suicide...
suicide bloody suicide.
why not...
jump..
cease..
what more...can you hope for...
jump...
I won't..
I know I won't..
I'm afraid..to..
afraid to see...what lies beyond..
I fear the wrath of God..
fear..
sick twisted fear..
clouds my judgement..
twists my thoughts..
from ashes to ashes..
and dust to dust..
but what am I...
if all I am is less than dust..
nothing..
answers...
do I really need them..
no I need...
affirmation..
no not your stupid silly hugging christian thing..
something...I can relate to..
or am I once again afraid of it..
selfish so selfish..
so bloody bloody selfish..
shout..
scream..my inadequacy demands it..
my failures..cry out for it...
the twisted form of my existence screams.
stop stop stop.
I need to get on with life..
I need to stop..
stop stop stop..
God..
help me.....
heh...whoops...
I'm not crazy..
I just think too much..
Moral:Idleness and taking life too seriously..
will kill you..
take it as it is....yea..
lol..
At the rate I am going I am.
FUCKEDFUCKED FUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKED FUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKED FUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKED FUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED FUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKED FUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
FUCKEDFUCKEDFUCKED
crap...it didn't turn out right
Amazing what you can do...
if you just put in the effort and time...
to do anything..
both of which I lack right now..
anyway..
I shall satisfy my inferiority complex by going to some J1 blog..
made by some Ah Lian..girl..
and reading her incredibly biased entry about how..
she is soooo...pretty and..
so cooool...
and sooooo hot...
yea..
just to get a kick enough to continue living..zz..
About the 3 plastic bags..
let's just say that's less than half the story...
if only you knew..
the full truth..
anyway...
going out fishing...
has its advantages..
but with David..
one may experience..
Psychological and physical trauma...
I am not kidding.
I had a nightmare quite recently..
involving the devil..
and me selling my soul to him...
Joseph Lim..
Suaning me...
and my A level results...
failing them terribly...
let's just say I woke up..
worrying about whether I actually did that..
and damned myself for all eternity..
.its a little irrational fear I have..
because...I'm always....
betting on my soul....
ok...
really irrational...=p...
I finally have direction to study..
yes...
almost exactly 3 weeks..
Release yourself