Nausea..
ugh..hate this feeling..
The coach seems to have more faith in me..
then I ever let myself have..
I wonder..
anyway..
been starting to develop greater feelings of animosity towards quite a few individuals..
-----Boring philosophical stuff------
just take the shooting club incident..
I can only make a single decision..
I can't be fair to everyone..
because both ways..its impossible..
this sort of stuff..
I think it should be the individual's right..
but only if he asserts that right..
but what to say of those incapable of doing such?..
but then what do I say to those who have asserted themselves..
and then the tyranny of the majority principle..
better to go against the majority?..
then fall desperately..
brilliantly heroic..
but thats also besides the fact that its brilliantly stupid..
but then again both sides have their points..
but ultimately..
there is only so much one can do to protect the weak.
after that its up to them..
I really wish things did not have to be this way..
but defiant voices have to be silenced..
unless they become the objects of destability..
perhaps..
it isn't that this world is fair.
but then we as sentinent beings should assert ourselves and make it fair..
perhaps then..
yet then again..
how are we supposed to open the eyes of those blind to this fact..
once again..
pragmatism..
beyond good and evil..
because even the diablolical can be wise..
hmm...
well also because I am feeling extremely bored..
and what's more what I feel is utter disgust for that person..
I shall break free from my neutrality..
and attempt an aggressive downplay of a certain person who has disgusted me
for quite sometime now...
I shall type in simpler english..
the nausea might have something to do with it..
well..
here I go..
Jeraldine Koh.
yes..
her..
disgusts me to no end.
and here's the reason why..
her level of maturity..
is by far one of the lowest I've seen in a JC student..
I mean..her pitiful defiance disgusts me..
at her rebellion..
to do what she likes..
a world of her own.
a world of the blind.
a little perfect world..
blind to the emotions of others.
and all which threatens her self-centred goals..
evil..
yes..I guess she would consider that..to a lesser extent..
like many people..
oblivious to the greater bigger picture..
heh..
look..
I've closed one eye again..
she is after all human..
much like any of us..
oblivious of pain..
being self-righteous is nature to us..
its an intricate part of our existence..
well...the nperhaps I should just comment..
that what she does is deplorable..
but she is not deplorable..
so difficult..
to bring people to understand..
their actions..
every action
every word you speak..
every muscle you move..
bears a consequence..
but who am I to say anything..
I've been spending such a long time..thinking..
I guess the rest of my life's rotting away again..
-----Boring philosophical stuff------
I am seriously addicted to percussion freaks..
forget that I look like a retard when I play it.
and that I almost nearly suck totally..
but nothing's unsalvagable..(I think I see my self-confidence hiding behind there..)
its seriously cool..
I can understand why HeJia spent my money MY MONEY!...on Drumsticks just for that..
Been playing Dota with the shooting club people recently..
I miss the drow ranger's farming..
she just has $$ on her
Plain stupidity...
that's what it is..
absolutely no strategy..
desperate..
picking points out from the air for an argument..
So much self-confidence..
to the point where it becomes blind arrogance..
I'm suprised you stood your own against intimidation..
but you lied and then admitted you lied..
you admitted you cheated after you denied it..
you believe yourself to be more than what you are..
which is very very dangerous..
better to not estimate yourself at all..
then to glorify yourself..
utter stupidity..
which leads to your self-belief in your self-righteous cause..
heh..more like selfish cause..
well..I guess its time to close this matter once and for all..
note to self:the use of anger as an intimidation tactic has its limitations..
Wether it was
stress..
Infection..
Allergy
My chewing of my lip=p..
I'm glad the swelling's gone down..alot...
it's almost normal..
heh..
Eyelid twitching has ceased.
W00t..
I guess its stress..
not stress on the mind..
but on the body..
Hmmm..
as in..
I've been having really bad sleep..
always..
but its becoming worse..
gah...
not that it matters..
because. Bleach 38's Out
Wuahahahha..
C=
Being squirted with water..
Whacked with pencil boxes..
Jumped while you're peeing..
Having your hair pulled..
Rushed at by whizzing italian hand signals from Tannga..
Hearing David's near-psychotic laughter..
Incessant nagging...from you know who..
Alvin Wu's lame exclaimations..
Donovan's constant reminder of why and how we're all fucked..
Yong Xin's guitar therapy..
Benny's jabbing..
Imran's nippletwister..
Ranjan's nonsense
....
Suddenly..
I'm back in school...
heh..
Nationals..next Wednesday..
means by this time next week..
It would almost be all over..
As long as I do my best..
As long as my team does its best I'm happy..
Very much like our ephermeral existence on this earth..
You know you can't do much..
but you can definitely do your best..
anyway...
my eyelid has still been twitching non-stop..
even though it doesn't show outwardly..
I know something's twitching..
which is pretty sick..heh..
anyway....
right now...
I am in no mood to study maths....
even though in theory..
it should not be that difficult considering the fact that...
there are three divisions for this test..
Prob+Stats/Integration/And the rest(minor stuff)
taking a few questions from each section..
then evaluate everything understand all the applications..
and poof..yea..
easier said than done..
hard to imagine..
the thing that kept man from entering space..
was a few formulae..
and alot of hard work..
hence the predicament..
the very lack of hard work..
I got scolded by the food court attendant at Thomson Plaza for playing the kiddie ride there
I guess at times I am just way too flippant...
I mean.Bernadette and WeiLi didn't want that 50 cent coin..
so what better way than to make use of that 50 cents
Anyway...
David...
wah..
jumping me in the toilet..
you're just asking for it man..
seriously...
just you wait..
C=
......
ow...
I hurt my neck..
Neckache...
my eyelid twitching...
ahhhh...
I wonder what the hell I do in my sleep man.....
.....
economics.....
heh 2 and half chapters complete...
its still not enough..
I still have 7 chapters more to cover..
hmmm..
but the thing about Economics...
is that like a science its so much like physics..
each theory is dynamic..
so all you gotta do is study the theories and know where they apply to..
so simple right?...
heh..
then I could probably go on to say how everything is so damned simple..
but then again...I can't even do a simple thing..
because I don't even know the simple theories...=p...
heh..
I spend so much time thinking about what how to do something..and I end up not doing it..
because I have no time...
hence my current state....
drifting away...
heh..
How I sometimes wish I was more like the way everyone else seems to me..
heh...embracing your infatuations..though you know its next to suicide..
so heroic...
yet so brilliantly stupid...
reminds me of the charge of the light brigade....
heh..
and maybe to a point...
I've lost my faith in humanity....
and faith in my humanity...
so far away from God..yet so close...
so here I am rambling on...
because all I've been doing is thinking..
thinking way too much..
but then again..
if you were blind...
and your eyelids were somehow torn apart..
and you were forced to witness the atrocity of the world...
would you want to be blind again?.....
heh..
understanding's a oneway path..
so..now..
where do I go from here?...
ah...
Neck still aching..ack..
T_T....
What is perfect awareness?...
perhaps it is perfect perception..
such that you can see past your thoughts?..
perhaps it is perfect understanding..
the ability to rationalise virtually anything..?
gahhhhh..
and yet..I am so far away...
so desperately far away from achieving such a state..
no matter how much I strive..
I guess that's why no man is an island..
still so foolishly bound by the subtler more darker emotions..
anyway..
I never thought that you could be overly pragmatic..
I mean its just practicality..
but then..again..
when you start to see every word you speak and their consequences..
you can't help but start devising strategies...
when you start any kind of mutual relationships....
you can't help but devise ways of ensuring a long lasting friendship..for maximum effect..
when you start doing the simplest of chores..
and wonder what kind of ways...could this help you..
when you help someone..
devising all sort of measures to keep that person at comfort while trying to get the maximum effect of help..
when you commit some hideous act..
you can't help but devise measures to minimise damage..recover yourself...
when you feel like screaming at somebody
but pragmatism's foresight holds you back..because its just not strategic
when in class daydreaming..
you start thinking about the greater good..
when trying to sleep..
you think about moral issues and justifying them..
when you feel anything..
you rationalise that feeling...
when you live your life..
it constantly becomes a battlefield for you to devise cunning strategies..
eheh...but I wouldn't have it any other way...
oh..
and another thing..
I can understand why Gothic culture comes about..
it is almost a philosophy..
but I wouldn't count it as that...
however..I do feel that it has come about very much due to a greater awareness..
that the very fabric of mainstream culture is so interwoven within our personal beings...
that we lose ourselves to an extent..
I don't need to give an example...
to that extent..I salute goth culture..
for their deeper awareness...
but then wouldn't such a community form a paradox..
since by itself it forms a stream of culture by themselves?..
heh...
so does man need an intrinsically established culture within himself..
a sense of identity.?
or does he need this not and find it elsewhere..?
perhaps...without the influences of the media..
perhaps we can find ourselves...
but then again..
we do what we like...
I mean....
sure..I get how pissed off Goths would be when everyone in society repeats some trend..
it reveals somewhat a sense of lesser understanding...
the inbility to judge for oneself..
but then again.
you can't blame people for liking something..
whether it be genuinely real or fake..
people will do what people want to do..
so in essence..there is no need to get worked up about the mainstreamers..
that's all they'll ever be genuine fakes..
REAL fakes..
but then again you can't blame them..
its that level of awareness..
that they are bound to..
so what we are basically dealing with..
is pretty much like adults and children..
the very mentality of children..
so we shouldn't treat them with disgust..treat them for what they are..
little kids..
ahhhhh...
sympathise for them...and at the very least bring about an awareness to them..
Heh..(see how far I am from such people..and yet so close to them I am...I still view such people in contempt..
what a solid display of how far I am from the clearest understanding of such people..)
so clearly....I don't think they would go to hell.....
as some Goths may think....
because they are at a point where....
their spiritual and mental maturity are stunted..
they are incapable of being more than what they are..
so thus..
a sin is not a sin unless the participant knows it as it is..
but then again..
we can't have so many people running aroud doing stupid stuff can we?...
nor can we let such behaviour run rampant..right?..
so how do we go about the eradication of such attitudes?...
...it is when the strength of man fails where God resides..
.
whoa..
that's one seriously long post...
hmmm.I think this helps lengthen the time period I have left
before I become a koo-koo schizophrenic..@_@
Release yourself